Episode #24: Overcoming Trauma 24: Scheduling

Jan,30 2026

<-#23: Overcoming Trauma #23: Calming down

I ended up sleeping well enough.

This is something I never understood. I know we are supposed to get 8 to 9 hours of sleep each night, but otherwise, we feel sleep deprivation.

Children are supposed to get more and will often wake up later in the morning over the weekend.

And usually, my kids do! This morning too, for that matter.

But when I was a child, my mother was obsessed with not letting me sleep in the morning. If you don't know why, I suggest you read a few verses of the Bible... Notably, Psalm 119:147, which she often cited to me.

Later, when starting as a nurse, I had to work quite a few night shifts, cutting into my sleep time.

I still thrived in both cases, and even today, when I am blocked by insomnia, I can function with little sleep.

My question is, did I adapt to my lack of sleep as a child, or was I always someone who needed less sleep?

Because that changes the nature of my insomnia, does it not? If I need less sleep, perhaps my recurring inability to sleep until the morning is simply my body realizing I slept enough and not a conditioning caused by decades of being blocked from proper mornings.

Fortunately, my husband didn't have insomnia at all in the evening, so we both were awake and whispered a little as we heard birds starting to sing.

Again, we began with him, and I was thrilled because he told me of his mental progress on his abuse situation, and by the time it was my turn, Sarah was awake.

I was relieved. I haven't mentally processed my reading yet, and I know that John would cause me to view this negatively. It's not his fault; he is very critical of all religious texts. He made me critical too, but I did read some inspiring parts.

Anyway, with Sarah waking up, Kyle also woke up, but physically. Just like after school, he needs time to recover; sometimes he wakes up and isn't fully there yet.

We still need both kids away from their bed to undo it since it's set up on the convertible table. John and I are fully awake, so that process is fast enough.

I then help set the breakfast, but I get a notification on my phone while doing so. I still make sure my kids have something to eat on the table, which also means my husband does.

It's Nadia! She is wishing me a good morning. I text her back. "You too! Hey, I have big news"

She quickly texts me back, "Is John better?"

Right, this is what worried her. She did admit she couldn't stay with Patrick if that had occurred to him.

"No, we got a silver membership like you did for the resort"

"Sweet! Let's go tomorrow! And maybe we can both contribute to the potluck for the barbecue"

"Even better, we rented a camper for the weekend; we are already there"

And then, she called me.

Straight up, no text, nothing. Just called me like a goddamn savage.

I can't really blame her; texts were relatively new when we were young. The main reason I know it's a faux pas is that I work with younger nurses who tell how horrible a non-negotiated phone call is.

"What the fuck, Elena, why the hell did you do that without talking to me?"

I leave the camper.

"Nadia, we might be becoming best friends, but you have to give me some freedom. You wanted me to become a naturist, and, well, we took steps to explore. The summer is ending; we need to figure out what is good for us and what isn't"

"No, I am happy about that. But we had the laser game this afternoon. I have friends booked and stuff, and I was calling to make sure you had the directions. You said you would be there"

"Oh shoot. I forgot. Martina invited me over to talk to Kara"

"Wait, back up. You spoke to Kara without me?"

"Hmm, Nadia, you don't like Kara"

"Well d'uh. "

"Don't worry, I am not turning into her. I think this was Martina's way to bond with me"

"She can be fun. A little confused, but yeah. So you aren't all brainwashed and stuff?" she says, with a worry in her voice.

"No, I am not. She lent me a copy of the book of Christopher, and well, it didn't radicalize me at all"

"Did you like it? No, this isn't the time. So, what do we do with the laser tag game?"

"When is it?"

"I booked from 2pm to 4pm"

I think.

"We could eat here and return in time for supper. I'll ask my family"

"Why?"

"I can't decide for my kids what they want to do, you know?"

"They are kids; you are supposed to, no?" says Nadia.

Wait, does she decide everything for Cassie?

"Oh, no, we let our kids make plenty of decisions"

She laughs. "Kids will only want to play and eat candy"

"Well, yeah, if you just let them pick anything. But we give them alternatives try to make them responsible. Anyway, text me the address; we were eating breakfast, and I'll text you whether we go or not"

"Fine", she says, exasperated.

"And yes, John is getting better", I say, circling back.

"Oh, good! Ok, see you later"

"If we go"

"If you don't, I'll come after the game and kick your ass at volleyball, or petanque, or whatever you pick that isn't golf", she says, laughing.

I wish her a good morning, and we hang up.

Inside, my announcement begins a major debate.

Sarah initially sees no interest in leaving and playing what she sees as a boring activity. Kyle, however, is overjoyed, and I think it's what finally woke him up.

John remembers me mentioning it and looking forward to playing with Patrick.

Personally, I think I want some time with Nadia, if only to de-escalate the situation. Not that I feel any guilt. I am my own adult and don't owe her an explanation... but I did forget the game. She never actually gave me a date and time, or I would have put it on my calendar, but I knew it was this weekend. And I still booked a full weekend here.

I got some food, and Sarah just said. "Can I just hang here with Candace and Cassie?" trying to negotiate a separate treaty...

"Oh, sweetie, Cassie will be at the laser game"

I managed to finish my toast as she was processing this.

"Oh, then I'll go"

And like that, it was settled.

I texted Nadia, who was thrilled. She then sends the address. I wonder, if I hadn't agreed, would she have texted me?

It would have been useless to me, so I suppose it only matters if we would have initially said no and then changed our mind.

Because that's the thing people often don't understand, and I don't know why.

You can decide at the last minute to not go. That happens. And with young kids, it can happen a lot. But you can also decide at the last minute to go.

Anyway, we put on sunscreen, clean up the kitchen, pick up towels and sandals, and go exploring.

Kyle wants to get into the pool, but we need to wait for the sunscreen to fully dry or something. He complains it's dry, but for some reason, you need to wait a little longer. I don't make the rules.

And yet, soon enough, we find Kelly, Victor, Candace, and Jimmy outside doing weird postures.

They finish a move and salute us.

"We are doing morning yoga. Do you guys want to join us?" says Kelly.

We look at each other, and I think it's mainly Sarah who decided by going to see Candace.

I don't know if it's because she was excited to see her friend, interested in yoga, or simply saw a way to connect with the otherwise bland Candace on something exotic to us.

For Kyle, it was a good excuse to goof off with Jimmy, and, well, John didn't argue. He rarely does...

I wouldn't say we were good, but the moves didn't seem that complex. This wasn't expert advanced yoga; this was just morning exercises to get going.

It was fun, and it almost reminded me of Pilates, another type of low-energy exercise that I sometimes like to do.

I decided to let the kids get organized, and visibly, Kelly has the same attitude, for she asked them what they wanted to do.

This is something I can fully respect, as I am the same. Hey, I just told Nadia that, and it wasn't lip service.

With little surprise, the pool won. There is something magical about kids being able to goof off in warm water that just brings joy to them.

Perhaps it's the lack of a structure or the relative safety. Sure, you can drown, but not with attentive parents around.

There is something about movement in water that slows everything down, and it pretty much eliminates the risk of falling.

Or perhaps I am overanalyzing it?

Either way, the four kids had fun, and Kevin, Kara's teenage boy, eventually came to do laps in the pool but soon enough joined the kids. Being 15, he wasn't followed by his parents, as he is old enough to be autonomous.

I look at him. I initially thought him to be sad and almost depressed, but this morning he was having as much fun as my kids.

Could the difference be the absence of his parents?

A few other kids I didn't really know, and whom I saw earlier, joined in, accompanied by their parents, who mainly talk among one another, just like how Kelly and Victor are talking to us today, but Martina and Luis or Nadia and Patrick might also be there.

These other naturists have their own social circle, their own friends, and their own lives.

To me, they are the unknown people I bump into, but to them, maybe I am one of the unknown people.

Do they know my kids more than I know theirs? Were they at the sleepover? Did they play together last week when I was playing golf?

There is a large gap in my knowledge of my kid's social life, and I realize something.

That might feel scary, but it's a good thing. It certainly beats being banned from all socialization like I was, forcing me to sneak around.

Looking at them, I realized something. I already had plenty of new friends. People I wanted to get close to: Nadia, Martina, Kelly, Wendy, and even someone I could get close to but no longer saw as a priority, Kara.

I was fine for now seeing these people as background characters. I didn't need to obsess on presenting myself and making sure they saw me in a good light.

If they one day decide to get closer or if fate draws us near, I'll accept without any issues, but right now? I'm happy to just co-parent the pool activities.

It took a lot longer for my kids to tire than it did for me to decide to get out of the water. John stayed, but he also has a lot less on his mind. Well, apparently.

When something troubles me, it stays stuck in my mind, but when John is troubled, he pushes deep and keeps on going.

Did that cause him problems with his recent breakdown? Sure, but on a day-to-day basis, he looks more adapted than I am.

Do I resent him for that? I envy him!

I didn't even mind being alone on the side of the pool for a while, and for the record, one of the mothers I didn't know did sit next to me.

I thought this would be the start of a conversation. An attempt to get closer, but no! She just sat close to me and never directly addressed me.

I think that made it even weirder. I had a completely nude woman sitting inches from me, also completely nude, with both of us dripping on the side of the pool with our run of water merging in a single puddle. This was almost intimate, and yet, we didn't talk; we didn't know each other. It's like we were in parallel universes.

And guess what? I was fine with it. This didn't trigger any of my social anxiety any more than being at the city public pool with bathing suits would have.

She was there for her kids, I was there for my kids, and we both got tired of being in the water. I had picked the best spot to watch the action; she picked the next best one.

My kids got tired of the pool first, so we left, got dry, and went back to the camper without Candace and Jimmy, who stayed with kids they visibly knew.

We got to the camper because the kids wanted to snack, but getting there, I saw it was already 11:35.

So, instead of a snack, I wanted to serve the pork chops, but I then remembered leaving them at Kara's place. I definitely didn't want to see her, so I prepared a sort of improvised tuna casserole, which did the trick, and got no complaints. John even helped me!

Sarah wanted to help too, to her credit, but it was tight having two adults working in the tiny kitchen.

Kyle was surprisingly verbal. Heavy play will silence my daughter, but my son? It's like it recharges his batteries.

He did ask if he could sleep over with Jimmy, and my reaction was that we rented the camper for a reason, but when Sarah mentioned a potential interest to sleep over with Candace, I decided to just postpone the decision.

After cleaning up, we got dressed. It wasn't in the plan, but the laser game was in town and thus required clothing.

Worse, we weren't dressed properly for the occasion, so we needed to stop at home.

We still made it with plenty of time to spare and to socialize with Nadia and her family. Cassie was thrilled that Sarah was there and made strategy plans. They even included Kyle in those plans.

Soon enough, Nadia presented me to a few of her friends, all of whom were textiles, most of whom had no idea she had a rich naturist lifestyle.

Some of them were even colleagues, all of whom were also working from home.

We played for two hours, but it wasn't two hours of play. We waited a round to get our first one, needed to leave for a round, and then came back for two. Another round off, and went for another one.

Most of the games were similar, with three teams, but there were 2 with different rules. One was a sudden individual death match in which being killed eliminated you from the round altogether. Somehow, Kyle won the first round on the virtue of hiding away as older teenagers killed each other.

We did more than one round of that since each was much shorter than normal matches.

The last one was a "return to base to be revived" and honestly? I think that was my favorite.

I was usually tasked with protecting our base with Nadia. We weren't that good, so it made sense. One of her friends joined us, blocking any talks about the resort.

But usually, any attacker we shot would simply walk back a few seconds, respawn, and attack again.

It was exhausting...

In the return to base, however, if we were shot, we were already in our base! But the attackers had a long trip home to do.

At first, I was bored, but when we were told we were going on our last game, I was actually disappointed.

We all went outside to talk and laugh after the kids and I went to the restroom one more time.

Nadia said goodbye to her friends and her colleagues, and soon, it was just the seven of us.

"So, shall we go see that camper of yours?" she said, in a good mood.

We didn't get changed at home, just to undress when back at our camper. This time, we waited until inside the camper to undress, and Nadia's family left their clothes in their car, also parked at our camper.

I had enough pork chops for them too, so I invited them, but they instead mentioned a potluck organized by another resident this time.

At least Kara could be attending, so it would be less awkward to fetch my food reserves.

Nadia even went with me to collect them, carrying homemade potato and macaroni salads.

<-#23: Overcoming Trauma #23: Calming down