Episode #16: Overcoming Trauma #16 Bedtime

Jan,22 2026

<-#15: Overcoming Trauma #15: Changes#17: Overcoming Trauma #17: Progress ->

We ate supper without many issues. Kyle didn't even make a mess. Everyone's mood was positive, and the only difference in the normal routine is that instead of closing the bathroom door for his bath, Kyle kept the door open.

Sarah did close it.

Kyle wanted a story from his father, so I tucked Sarah in, who wanted to talk.

"Earlier, that talk"

"Yeah?"

"I think I get it. Can you explain it to me?", she says.

"What did you get?"

"I think you wanted to make the decision on your own. Not let us decide for you?" she says hesitantly.

"Yes, exactly. It's all about agency. I felt like I was losing control over my life. Not that I want to control you, but I didn't like that everything was imposed on me"

"I think I get that. Like, at the sleepover, Ginny was accepting ideas from everyone, and Cassie and I were very open-minded, but Candace was a little pushy. We didn't like that"

"Yeah, and you were quite pushy, but Nadia too, in her own way"

She paused. And asked. "What do you mean?"

"Nadia is very respectful, but she knows what she wants. She doesn't get you to her side by pushing, but by never letting go"

"Like coming to see you Saturday, and then bringing us to the resort?"

"Yeah. She never asked me to undress, but like"

"You felt she expected it"

"I did"

"I did too", says Sarah.

"I know. You told us from the first day that you wanted us to become naturists"

"But I never thought it would work! I mean. I am thrilled, don't get me wrong"

"I sure hope so, because we are way deeper than I even thought possible"

"Can I ask what changed your mind?", says Sarah, curious.

"About what? Undressing in the first place? Sleeping there? Turning the family into a naturist one?"

"All of that, I suppose"

I laugh. "It's complicated. You know what peer pressure is, right?"

"Sure, you both taught us well about that"

"Well, adults get it too. You were all having fun in the lake, but I saw that, well, Nadia and Patrick weren't playing with you like we usually do"

"Even Dad wasn't. We didn't mind, but it was a lot more fun with you"

"I know! So I wondered, why am I the only one dressed, you know?"

"I do. It's not regular peer pressure; it's like, coming from the inside. You want to fit in"

"You get it. Internalized peer pressure"

"But then, you slept over"

"And that's the thing, I feel that from the moment I undressed, to the moment I put my feet down in the house, I didn't decide anything. I didn't pick the barbecue; I didn't decide you could sleep over at a stranger's house. I didn't choose to play golf. I feel like the only two decisions I really made were to not undress until I did and to not go to church with Nadia"

"Oh. I thought you were all in and choosing. Sorry Mom"

"It's not your fault. I got swept up in the moment"

"And then you found the three of us nude at home"

"Yeah"

"And you felt you had no power again"

"No agency. It's not the same as power"

"What's the difference?"

"Power is the ability to do what you want. I have the power to ground you, and there is nothing you can do about it. You do not have the power to ground me. That's power. Agency, is the ability to choose what you want. I can decide to ground you or not, but if we made a rule like, if you do swear, you are automatically grounded, I still have the power to ground you, but I lose the agency"

"Oh, which is worse?"

"How much power do you have?"

"Not a lot, I realize", she says, laughing.

"How much agency do you have?"

She thinks. "A lot more, I suppose?"

"And are you happy?"

"Generally, yes"

"There you go. Power is useless if you have people around you helping you get what you want. But without agency, you get nothing unless the others can read your mind or something"

She laughs.

"So, my little stunt, was to trick my brain into accepting that I had more agency than I thought. I could have stopped anything I didn't want yesterday or today. I could have said no to golf, to the sleepover. I felt depressed that I lost that agency. But if I pretended it's what I wanted all along, I feel better about myself"

"I see. Well, thank you for making us a naturist family"

I laugh.

"Have a good night's sleep, Sarah", I say, kissing her on the forehead.

"Mom?"

"Yeah, sweetie?"

"It's worse than you let on for Dad, right?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, I could feel it. He's, I don't know, sadder than usual?"

"Yeah. It's big, Sarah, but we are handling it. The golf yesterday was to help him, and he admitted it did. Don't worry, sweetie, your parents are solid. We'll get through this."

"I am sure you will. You are both awesome."

I am about to leave, but she says one more thing. "Cassie wants to thank you"

"For what?"

"For teaching her parents to play with her"

I laugh. "Seriously?"

"Nadia even apologized to her after church this morning. Saying she will try to do better."

I left without saying much. The great Nadia learned something from poor old me?

That's rich.

I found my bed empty. I guess the story ran late? When John finally joined me, he was surprised.

"Are you going to sleep in the nude?"

"Aren't we nudists now?"

"Yeah, but"

"John, how are you doing?"

"Good"

"No, the truth. This week, you revealed your biggest trauma. Well, I hope it was the biggest. You went to therapy. You went golfing nude to get over your trauma, and told me that it helped, but then got swept into a crazy weekend during which we all became nudists. In truth, you can't just be good"

"But I am good. It's you who is struggling"

I get closer to him. I can feel something is wrong.

"John, hear me out. I was struggling, and I fixed it. It's now my decision that we are nudists. I am fine with it. Not with the stupid AC, but we have about a week until it's fixed"

"Well, nude, it's not so bad"

"It's still hot. Perhaps we'll do like Nadia and raise the thermostat, but we do need a working one. But my point is, John, I am there for you"

"Are you sure?"

I sigh. "John, you can have an existential crisis while I am having one. If you can't exist when I am not in top shape, then you will never exist. I have issues, John. You knew that I am not the most stable woman in the world"

"You are still pretty great"

"Yeah, I am starting to see and even believe that, John. But I will not miraculously stop having issues pop up from my childhood. Not now, not even when we are babysitting our grandchildren"

"We are far from then"

"Sure, and that's my point. If you don't find a way to be able to express your issues even when I am not 100% well, you will never express your issues. Trust me, John. I am a nurse. I get better by helping others. Even if I am spiraling out, I will calm down if you need me. I sure always calmed down when our kids needed us"

"That's your maternal instict"

"Well, it works with you too. Often, the best way to dissolve my anxiety or my depression is to ask for my help. So, John, where are you now with your past abuse? What's eating you right now"

"Are you 100% sure"

"Yes, John. I am"

He sighs. It takes a few minutes. I tend to ruminate my ideas so they are often ready at a moment's notice. John doesn't.

I think his way is better because mine has a direct positive pressure on my anxiety levels.

I also am able to express what's eating me without starting with an emotional dump. He can't, so he needs to cry a lot before words become intelligible.

I hold him. It's weird to be skin against skin, but it's deeply more personal. Maybe the naturists have it right with the no-touching-while-nude rule.

Not because it's sexual, but because we need a bigger personal bubble when nude.

Dr. Phillips has hugged me at work. Not often, but it did occur after saving someone, for example.

But at the resort? That would have been a huge issue.

It doesn't take that long. He apologizes first for his crying, but I tell him not to. It's like he needs permission to cry. Men...

"I think the problem now isn't the direct abuse. I had years with it. Time passed, and you've helped me reclaim my sexuality a lot"

"Good. And we had it good. It even gave us two wonderful kids"

"Yeah. But..."

"But", I say.

"I don't know", he says.

I laugh. "It's okay, John. It won't be fixed in a single weekend"

"Yeah. Nudism can only do so much"

"But it's helping?"

"I think it is. I feel... I don't know. It's like my walls are down, but also the ones of others."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, before yesterday, my only way to see you nude was to have sex or barge in during your bath"

"Which I hated"

"Which you hated. But now, I don't feel like a pervert for looking at you"

I laugh. "Ok, fair enough. And that links to your abuse?"

"Oh yeah. It made me feel weak, powerless. So when I need to sneak around to look at my wife, it echoes in my mind, you know?"

"I do. So, does that help you?"

"It does. But it also forces me to be vulnerable, something I haven't been able to do since, well, the abuse. "

"I see"

And perhaps it helps me, but for the opposite reason. I always feel vulnerable. Seeing others show their vulnerabilities helps me.

He cried a little more, so I held him even closer to me. I like that.

When I delivered my babies, the doctors placed them on my bare stomach, creating a skin-to-skin mother-and-child bond.

John was still talking, but he was mostly emotion dumping. I was listening, but his voice was now soothing for me.

I know, he was in a state of despair in general, but right now, he was at peace. He was allowed and able to just express what lay at the bottom of his heart.

It was calming me. I was afraid to fall asleep on him, but then, just as I was on the verge of finding sleep, he stopped mid-sentence.

He reached the terminus and fell asleep in my arms. I felt him go limp, as if all the tension of his body escaped his muscles.

I didn't wait for sleep. It found me, willing and ready to let go.

<-#15: Overcoming Trauma #15: Changes#17: Overcoming Trauma #17: Progress ->