Episode #21: Overcoming Trauma #21: Thursday

Jan,27 2026

<-#20: Overcoming Trauma #20: Seven again

I ate only with Wanda, as Martina had a different lunchtime, or rather, I did, and I missed her, but not Wanda.

We didn't have much time, as she was already close to the end of her lunch break when I joined her, so no deep conversations were begun.

I worked with her husband later in the afternoon, but he was swamped from his normal patients.

It was a good day overall, but we did lose a teenage girl to a liver failure. She was already sick with cancer, so it's not like it came out of the blue, but it wasn't liver failure. Her liver just failed while under chemo.

That's always complicated, as technically, if she bleed, her blood is toxic, but her problems were all internal.

Unlike renal failure, there is no dialysis for the liver. We gave her all the medicine we could think of, but she passed away in our room.

It wasn't a fast death in any shape or form. She came in at 8:04, and died 5 hours later, never stable enough to be moved.

Her last tragic hours were spent seeing bleeding patients come in, beyond hope, and survive, all while knowing she wouldn't. Or worse, see one of them die and remind her of her upcoming mortality.

Her oncologist wanted to move her, but that's when we discovered the internal bleeding.

Options were talked about, but she asked us to shut up.

"I made my peace. I am dying here."

A priest came in and helped her. She died surrounded by her family.

I came home drained emotionally, but I still undressed like clockwork. This was my fate, and I picked it.

I hugged my kids that afternoon. I needed to after this tragic loss.

Of course I didn't tell them; it's a burden I have to bear alone, or perhaps with my husband,

But Sarah is empathetic, so while doing her homework, she sent me to do the first level of Captain Toad.

Unlike my husband, I never played the origin of this game, and I barely paid attention to the girls playing it.

I struggled. I know how to move; I am not a video game idiot, but it took me a while to realize that my inability to jump was a game feature and not a mistake on my part.

It's simple. It's nice. And it deviously complex.

Doing the levels? Not so much. Collecting all three gems per level? More and more complicated.

The first level is simple enough. The first gem is up a ramp, the second is behind a wall, and the third is given by a Toad.

I quickly discovered what fascinated the two girls. The small levels over a rich but simple layout. The three gems offer a need to explore. But I had no idea what the gold mushroom was until much later.

Already, the second level offered moving bridges, elevators, and enemies and was a lot more challenging, but still fun! The ability to rotate the world is just incredible. We are far from the video games of my youth.

It also didn't have a gold mushroom to find, but rather a bridge not to destroy.

Each level added new features, challenges, or concepts, and Captain Toad is just so cute and fun to play!

I was so deep in the game that I didn't notice my kids sat behind me until Sarah gave me a hint.

The double cherries, however, were my favorite feature, but they made the game a lot more complicated! At least, there was no time limit.

It's Sarah with them that gave me tricks. Yes, I was slow; this was only the 5th level!

I soon stopped to prepare a roast, but Kyle began a new game and went a lot faster than I did.

At least, up to where I was at that moment.

John was in a perfect mood. His closet changes were very well received, and it put him in such an astonishing state that I didn't share about the teenager we lost. Not that there was anything we could do. Liver failure is, well, pretty much fatal, but adding the internal bleeding made it impossible to do anything while she was that toxic. At least, she made peace with her life.

The roast was delicious, and to my surprise, none of my children asked to see other children.

Sarah mainly had questions about... Religions. Sigh.

She knew that John was an atheist, and that I was Christian, so she felt like she was on thin ice without even knowing about my own internal debate.

"Cassie tells me about her pastor, and how he is all about empowerment, and choice, and fee will, and that predestination is brainwashing for the masses"

"Wait, he says that?", I replied.

"Well, I haven't met him, but it's what Cassie says. That God is all knowing, but because he gave us free will, he doesn't know what we will be doing."

I look at her. This feels completely against typical Christian doctrine.

But it's John who speaks up. "Are you certain he said that?"

"No, like I said, I wasn't there. But like, Mom talked about God, and Jesus, and the Bible, and so on, and that all felt boring, to be honest, but not the way Cassie talks about it"

"Boring?" I asked.

"Well, no offense, but, like, it talks about fish and turning water into wine and camels, and sure, love your neighbor like I love you or something like that. I like that, but the stories are old"

"It was two thousand years ago", I say.

"Well, yeah. But the way that Cassie talks, it's like the pastor makes it make sense."

John understands what she means. It's weird. I consider myself a Christian, and he sees himself as an atheist, but he seems to know more about Christianity than I do. It's not like he was raised an atheist.

He explains. "That's the sermon. At mass, there are a few readings, from the Old Testament and from the New Testament, and then, the priest makes a speech explaining what we could understand in our daily lives from those old stories. He recontextualizes them"

"Huh. Wait, so that's what makes it interesting? Like, Mom showed me some texts and stuff, and I couldn't get it, but the pastors, they are trained in that?"

"Oh yeah, they have a theology degree from the university", I say.

"Wait, they study the Bible in university?"

"Yes, but not just the Bible. People have written about the Bible for... well, forever. And there are multiple denominations and complex theories about Christianity that often contradict each other", I say.

"Like the nature of the Holy Trinity, or the importance of the Old Testament," says John.

"Right. Cassie says that it helps her a lot."

"It helps plenty of people", says John.

"Could I perhaps go with her sometimes?" she says, nervous.

To his credit, John looks at me. He won't decide on his own.

"No. But if you want to go with me, we can. Religion is something personal, but it's also something in a family. I can't just let you go and see, at 11 years old, the pastor for a minority denomination without checking it out myself."

"And recontextualizing for me", she says, hesitating on the word.

"Yeah. Well, contextualizing, but yeah", I say.

I look at John. He nods. Early on, he told me that religion wasn't for him, but he didn't mind I had one. For our children, back before we even had children, his only requirement was to let them choose, to not force them into or out of religion.

That's something that seduced me then, but I now realize why.

The one thing that I have been fighting for during the last week, was to retain my agency. Early on, John made sure we would preserve the agency of our future children when it comes to their spiritual future.

I think that what makes us a strong couple is that we have the utmost respect for each other's agency and for that of our children.

Now, I have some anxiety and some depression as part of my mental processes. This means that I anticipate future problems more than more stable people, and I linger on past ones far too long.

My daughter doesn't have much anxiety. Sure, situational anxiety, like when studying for a big exam, or social anxiety, like before a party, but not generalized anxiety like I do.

As such, as soon as she got what she wanted, the subject was dropped.

Instead, she wanted to know my opinion about Captain Toad. To be honest? I didn't have one yet, but I liked it so far.

Kyle gave his opinion. It was too slow for him, but rather fun.

Sarah wants to know if I will play after supper, but I replied with something that made her sad.

"It's Thursday; I need to go do the grocery shopping"

"Oh, right. Sorry, I forgot", she says, sad.

"No, it's ok. It's not your responsibility. Sometimes, I skip and do it over the weekend, but seeing last weekend, I am rather thinking that I shouldn't delay"

"Right. Sorry", she says.

"For what?", says John,

"For occupying last weekend that much"

He intervenes. "Sarah, I needed this as much as you wanted this. It helped me get over my problems. We are the adults; we could have said no, and we didn't. It's not your fault"

"Thanks Dad"

"Yeah, I agree with him."

But I realize that this is why she doesn't have generalized anxiety: we make sure that she doesn't worry about things that aren't under her control.

Whether she will succeed at an exam or fit with a group, sure, but whether she wasted our time? No, we made decisions, or lacked to. Either way, it's not her fault. We are the adults.

She helps her put the dishes away, but we free Kyle to go play Captain Toad on his own game. Four is too much in the kitchen.

I do a survey of what we have left and get dressed to go shopping.

I put on a sundress with a bra top, but I do put on underwear. It's still warm at this hour, and this is the kind of thing I might have worn to do grocery shopping a few weeks ago.

While browsing the aisle, I realize that I am not carrying any depressing thoughts or worried about anxiety-focused ideas.

I get food to feed my family and actually look forward to spending time with my daughter at the service. Will I like it? No idea, but I am eager to know more.

Something is also happening that is more subtle.

Sarah is getting closer to me, letting Kyle be closer to his father. Is that because she is starting to see me as a model to follow or simply that our relationship is better?

For Kyle, the answer is even more complex. I think I had to do a lot of carrying out of the parental duties for him, and John had trouble connecting with our son.

Oh, again, it's subtle, but John is a very deliberate and calm man. I was shocked how, early in our relationship, we could walk to the movie theater and just hold hands in silence on the way there. He didn't need to fill in the silence.

Kyle can be quiet, but he was usually a ball of energy that was clashing with my husband's inner peace.

It's like they couldn't match each other's speed, and I could.

But Kyle is maturing, and perhaps that John is facing his biggest trauma helps too.

Either way, this pleases me. I still have a good relationship with my little boy, but I can't complain that John can take him to do sports and have fun doing it.

Not that he didn't in the past, but I think he was stuck in teacher mode and couldn't enter play partner mode.

When playing catch, it was all about making sure Kyle had the right techniques and reflexes, not about having fun.

To be honest, I don't think naturism is the cause of this transition, but one thing about it probably facilitated it: I was less emotionally available to handle Kyle, forcing John to step up, and perhaps realizing that he, too, could have fun with his son.

I made sure to buy more cinnamon and flour. I have a feeling that not only churros will be part of our regular diet, but perhaps other pastries.

Why? Because I used to love baking, and the stress of parenting stole that from me. Cooking with Martina and then on my own is bringing me back that lost love.

I ran into a nurse who often does triage. We saluted each other but barely talked. We know of each other more than we know each other. I also ran into one of our neighbors. Well, from 2 houses down the street. We talked a little about how the street is degrading and the city should do something about it. I don't think it's that bad, but hey, I don't care much about those things. She does.

I ended up buying more stuff than usual, but I also bought a few things for me to make myself more lunches.

I often buy food from the cafeteria, which is not only less interesting in quality, but also more expensive.

In reality, in plenty of cases, I will just cook more to have leftovers. Well, not always. I don't like tacos enough to eat them Wednesday at lunch, but I can reuse some of the ground beef cooked for the tacos to make pasta. Granted, that meat isn't bought yet, but the extra tuna for a bigger tuna casserole is.

I got home soon enough and put the food away before undressing. No one said anything, not even John, who helped me with the unpacking.

I did join my kids at the TV nude, but we switched to my game of Captain Toad.

I made it much further, even had boss battles with much bigger stages! The King of Pyropuff peak was actually fun, but Sarah was impressed I did it with little hesitation and no deaths.

It filled me with pride. I do have a lot more experience with video games, having played since I was her age, at least.

But I think that my greatest asset is a more developed intellect that allows me to better analyze the stages. My kids are 11 and 9; they still have a lot of development to do, even Sarah. And my architect husband is even better at it!

The one debate we had was what does Toad say at the start of a level? Kyle thought it was "Danger, Danger", but we all heard the second word as "Adventure". We ended up thinking that he said, "Let's adventure"

That I did Dodgy Doors at Boo Mansion on the first try... and even killed some of the ghosts with my flashlight blew Sarah's mind. "I played Mario games in the past; it's the same mechanics"

This made her want to try older games, which, definitely, made John happy!

One of our great bonding moments was when I was his co-pilot with Zelda II: The Adventure of Link, and I helped him beat this monster of a game.

I stopped after #17, Blizzard on the Star Express, because it was now late enough, but that was one fun level.

Again, John read a story to Kyle, and Sarah asked for a special story. She wanted me to read to her some parts of the Bible.

"Contextualizing them", she said.

It took me a while to find our Bible, and I had to flip a lot to find something interesting to read.

So, I read to her the parable of the Good Samaritan. I spent more time explaining what a Samaritan was, what a Levite was, what a denarii was, and why oil and wine than on the story, but I think she understood.

The problem is that to kids of this generation (and ours, to be honest), a lot of this is opaque and weird. But some of the stories, like this one, have a good message.

And yet, I know what John would say! The story before that parable and the one after aren't good messages at all to tell children.

I didn't have a response then, but I think I do now. It's all about which passages a pastor chooses, and how he recontextualizes them.

And that varies from church to church, from pastor to pastor.

I slept in peace that night. Not even fearing whatever would happen over the weekend. That was for later.

<-#20: Overcoming Trauma #20: Seven again